What is the reacher and settler proposition, you ask? We will start our blog entry with a brief 22-second clip from the show "How I Met Your Mother." Because my first blog entry was well-received, I went ahead and added Chinese subtitles to the clip, as I anticipate soon gaining a global audience. That's not at all true. Now to the clip!
The premise of that particular episode is that in every relationship, there is a "reacher" and a "settler."
A "reacher" reaches out of their socioeconomic class, level of popularity or attractiveness, etc. to pursue someone who for all practical purposes is out of their league.
A "settler" settles for someone who might be perceived as "below" them in any of the areas previously listed.
While this premise is funny, and often true, there is a danger in the Reacher/Settler proposition, as seen by Marshall's reaction in How I Met Your Mother. No one wants to be the Reacher. Being the Reacher means that your better half is legitimately your BETTER half.
Since I was a psychology major and I'm currently working in communications, please allow me to refresh my psychology knowledge and enlighten you. Equity theory, in relationships, says that
"People are happiest in relationships where the give and take are about equal. If one person is getting too little from the relationship, then not only are they going to be unhappy with this—the person getting the lion’s share will also be feeling rather guilty about this imbalance. This is reinforced by strong social norms about fairness." Fairly common sense information about the danger of the Reacher/Settler proposition.
So how do we remedy this situation? According to my mom, "Of course there are perfect relationships where there is no reacher and no settler." No wonder my dad has nicknamed her Pollyanna. Sorry Mom...I don't think you're quite right on this one though. Let's cut to a discussion Nate and I had in the car a few days ago, about Reacher/Settler. After discussing the basic concept, I drop the bomb.
"So Nate...Are you the reacher or settler in our relationship?"
Nate proceeded to think deeply for a few seconds. He looked at me kind of funny and said, "I think I'm the reacher."
Now, dear blog readers, if you haven't had a chance to meet sweet Nate, this might be only mildly surprising to you. However, if you have ever talked to him or maybe attended our wedding where part of my dad's toast was "what can I say about Nate...that he hasn't already said about himself...", you would know that Nate has excellent self-esteem and would never be "down" on himself.
As I thought, I cautiously told him, "I think you are the reacher...on paper...But...I really feel like the reacher when it comes to the important and deep issues. I have never felt like I 'settled' for you."
So there you have it, folks. Not even a year of marriage under our belts, and we are figuring out life's big questions together. In all seriousness, I think the most successful relationships are ones where both parties feel like the Reacher. Not in a sad, please-don't-leave-me-I'm-a-pathetic-reacher type way, but in a way where both parties feel truly blessed to be united as a couple and can't shake the honeymoon phase "aren't I so lucky?!" feeling.
An anecdote based on an Indian proverb was published in Reader's Digest about a prince who paid a huge dowry of eight cows for a so-so bride. She was actually offered at a lower price, but he demanded to give her father the higher price of eight cows for her. When her father visited a year later, she was a completely different person, with a new radiance and zest for life. Why? Because she was an eight-cow wife. Her husband acted as the "reacher" even though many saw him as the "settler."
So, to recap, we covered a bit of pop culture, psychology, and Indian proverbs. That's what you get from a blogger with a liberal arts education!
Stayed tuned for my next blog entry: Great Expectations!
I really enjoyed this !
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