Hear me - What the Baltimore riots, Blakely's "questions" and my job in communications taught me about the importance of being heard

Today I had to cascade an “Action Required” communication. The action was simple. It would take employees maybe 10 minutes.

There was a newsletter article. A separate article for leaders. Talking points to include for the leaders. A digital screen sign. A flyer. A targeted email.

And I know that in two weeks, I’ll be calling people who swear they’ve heard nothing about this and want me to send it all to them again.

Short of setting a memo on fire and throwing it onto their desk, it often feels like we’ve exhausted every option for getting information out to people. You know what the trouble is? All of the noise.

Yesterday Blakely kept yelling, “Excuse me! Excuse me!” over the top of Nate and my conversation, so I turned to her and said, “What, Blakely?”

She paused for a split second and then said emphatically, “I have a question.”

“Okay.”

She paused a bit more, and then launched into an explanation of something.

“That’s not a question,” I told her, mid-explanation. She immediately wailed. I sat there for a moment, thinking about how often this is happening lately. For some reason, I was unreasonably irritated that my 2.5 year old, who knows the proper use of “can” and “may,” says that she has questions, even though she knows they’re not questions. As I dug deeper into why she keeps doing this, I thought about when I say “I have a question” to her.

Usually when I say, “I have a question,” I am preparing her to answer. “I have a question” really means, “Listen closely.” Take time… slow down… hear me.

When Blakely says, “I have a question,” she’s really saying, “Please hear me.”

“Riot is the language of the unheard,” Martin Luther King Jr. said.

Whether it’s the riots in Baltimore, my toddler’s tantrums, politics, a teen’s recklessness, so often the plea is simply, “Hear me.” We don't all say 'hear me' well... The desperation to be heard can often drive ugly means of saying 'hear me' - violence, hatred, yelling, crude or cruel "humor"...

But as I clearly understand from my 10 communication vehicles apparently needed to drive home one point, we live in a world of noise. Lots of voices… lots of competing messages… Why? Because when we hear “hear me,” our response as a society is most often “NO, HEAR ME.”

If we are busy… if we don’t like you (or your kind)… if we think you should say ‘hear me’ in another way… If we *think* we’ve already heard your message… We communicate that you are not worth being heard.

I struggle with depression regularly, and I hate sharing about it, even with the person who is closest in the world to me – my husband. Why? Because the fear of saying, “Hear me” and hearing a response of “NO, HEAR ME” is greater than the fear of never attempting to be heard.

Early in our marriage, when I talked through negative emotions I was experiencing, Nate helped by jumping in with alternative perspectives… thoughts to “dismiss” the negativity… fixes… suggestions. But even when he was saying, “I CAN HELP!”… It sounded a lot like, “NO, HEAR ME.”

The last conversation we had about this, I spoke openly. I finished my thoughts. He hugged me tight and said, “I’m so sorry. Please let me know if I can help.” It sounded a lot like, “I hear you.”

We, as a society, don’t hear each other enough. When someone says, “It’s a struggle to be a young black man in this community,” and the response is “Do you understand the risks and sacrifices police officers make?” (Feel free to switch the order)… We’ve missed an opportunity to hear. We expect to be heard, without expecting to listen.

I have often struggled with this even in my prayer life. How many times have I been yelling “NO, HEAR ME” over what God was really trying to speak into my life?

Don’t get me wrong – you have a valuable message. But so does the person that you’re yelling over.

I used to post a lot of stuff on social media that frankly, I shouldn’t have. Now when I scroll through Facebook and see political rants, propaganda, “Christian truth” that looks a lot like hate, I cringe. Because this is what I know it says:

“NO, HEAR ME!”

How can we, as a society, especially if you a Christian… turn our current practices on their head? Can we say, “I hear you.” Perhaps even, “Tell me more.”

At the end of the day, maybe nothing will be solved. You’ll still think the answer is A, and I’ll still think the answer is B. But I have a Blakely-style “question” for you…

“Maybe that doesn’t matter, because we’ll all be at peace that we’ve been heard.” ;-)

What are you anticipating?

I want to share a few blogs on some of the questions that I prayed through over the past month as part of my Facebook fast. I hope you’ll join me in praying through these questions in your life as well!

The first question I prayed through is What are you anticipating?

Some things are really easy (and exciting!) to anticipate eagerly. I know right now I’m eagerly anticipating Christmas. I KNOW Christmas will be amazing with my family. That’s something I experience year after year, and I always look forward to celebrating. For me though, anticipating is a struggle. I’m very grounded in my expectations, and I often temper them to avoid disappointment. Nate and I are polar opposites in this way! I really struggle, because I’ve conditioned myself “not to get my hopes up.”

Right now we are in the advent season, which is about anticipating the celebration of Christ’s birth, but also the anticipation of Christ coming back some day. That’s worth getting your hopes up for!

As I look back over my life, there were absolutely moments where I thought “well, this is a terrible, pointless experience.” Not true! Almost all of those moments I can look back to as a moment that God used in a big way. Not getting my “dream job” completely changed our family’s trajectory – for the better. If you would have told me that four years ago when I was sobbing and begging Nate to just let me go work at Taco Bell because I’d never amount to anything professionally (yeah, that really happened), I would have laughed in your face. I actually remember saying the words, “Nothing good will ever come out of this!” I know imagine that moment with God saying after that, “Challenge accepted!” 

As I’ve grown in my faith, I have gotten better at eagerly anticipating God’s work in my heart and in my circumstances, but it’s still a big area of growth for me.

The picture below is one of my favorite pictures, ever taken. I know that probably seems ridiculous, but I’ll explain why. This picture was taken during the hardest month of my life. Right after Emmarie was born, it felt like everything I knew was being ripped from my hands with job changes, house changes, church changes, and more. And my instinct in that moment was to clench my fists and hold as tightly to everything that I could. To mourn losses. To permanently attach chips to my shoulder.

But as we put the For Sale sign up, we thought back to when we bought the house (only a year and half earlier), and I had excitedly posed with the “Sold!” sign. I don’t remember if I suggested it or Nate did, but we agreed we needed the same type of picture as we closed a chapter. I walked up to the sign, and Blakely followed. As Nate got ready to take the picture, he said, “GET EXCITED!”

And we did.

What if in the middle of all of our broken moments, we took a picture? Maybe not literally, but just paused in the moment to soak it in… and to eagerly anticipate how God will work through this, in our lives and the lives of others. A snapshot to say “look at where I was and look where God has brought me.” What if instead of crying and filling out Taco Bell applications, we pause and say,

“God, I know you’re with me in this. I anticipate that you’ll use ALL of my experiences – the good, the bad, and the ugly – to bring glory to You, if I allow it.”

So as you and I pray through what we are anticipating and looking ahead towards, I have to quote Nate:

“GET EXCITED!”

Character Development: The problem with straight lines

Liz, one of my best friends, is the complete opposite of me. She’s the type of person who loves an adventure, has never met a stranger, and had seven different colored dresses for her bridesmaids. I hide from people I know in the grocery store, and everything in my wedding was black and white. Liz and I met through competitive cheerleading and I immediately loved her and her craziness. We became fast friends and hung out all the time.

One of the less memorable times hanging out with her (which isn’t hard – she once unknowingly convinced me to go with her to a haunted house with two complete strangers!), she offered to give me a shortcut back to her house. I was a relatively new driver and was unfamiliar with Peoria, so I agreed.

“Just tell me where to go!” I said.

As we wound back through neighborhoods and seemed to backtrack, I finally looked at her and said, “Liz, you realize that this isn’t shorter than the way I usually go, right?”

She said, “Oh, I know. I just like to go this way.”

We had a quick review of the meaning of “shortcut” as I emphasized that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

 

Fast forward to this morning. As I pulled out of my driveway this morning, I flashed to this moment happening before… pulling out of this very driveway, going to a job at Caterpillar, and wearing this same sweater… four years ago. (I should probably at least buy a new sweater.)

A lot has happened in the past four years – a calling to ministry, three new jobs for me, two babies, buying a house, selling a house, a new church, an old church…

But this morning it felt like life had taken me in a circle. Like I was back towards the start of my adult life, circa four years ago. It bothered me for a moment, until I reminded myself that God is in the business of being effective, not efficient. And the Ali pulling out of my driveway this morning, though wearing the same sweater (seriously, why do I still own this sweater?), is not the Ali that pulled out of this driveway four years ago.

I’ll always love connecting dots with straight lines, because I’m me. In college I took a several literature classes, and I still remember a piece of assigned reading that I dragged myself through. When the professor asked me why I disliked it so much, I noted the large sections of the book with no plot advancement.

“Don’t you see?” She said incredulously, “That was where the character development was happening!”

Ah. The character development.

I think as humans, we have an innate tendency to demand plot advancement from God – the new job, the new calling, the new focus, the new location. We like linear – preferably upward trending. We imagine ourselves on the day we meet God with a line graph and a pointer, showing how well we progressed through this life (that’s only me? Okay).

The problem with straight lines, though, is that they are one dimensional. They don’t account for the character development. Every moment I have lived has led me to where I am today. God spares no expense when it comes to character development – he’s not in the straight line business. God’s paths (not to be confused with ‘shortcuts’, Liz) are purposeful and perfect. They give us experience today that we will need tomorrow.

So my reminder for today is focus on the PURPOSE, the PLAN, and the PERSON.

Don’t get hung up on the PATH, the PRESENT, or the PLOT.

What your ministry is not

I’ve learned a lot over the past few months – baptism by fire, if you will. Nate and I were talking yesterday again about all the insane changes we’ve been through (church, job, baby, move) and what we’ve learned. We talked about things like conflict resolution, taking nothing for granted, and other areas that we’ve grown in. I know for me though, the biggest lesson that I’ve learned is what your ministry is not.

Your ministry is not your lineage

I’ve met a lot of pastors who are “in the family business,” which is great. That’s a huge testament to their family’s legacy. But one of the things that I love about Nate’s story is how NOT even close to pastors his parents were, haha.

 People who break the cycle of hurt and dysfunction are a huge testament to God’s plan for and power in our lives when we surrender!

 Your ministry is not your church

This one was hard for me to accept for a long time. Nate and I invested so, so much into Innovate. It was a church where we invited friends and acquaintances that would never go to other churches – and they felt welcome there. We gave financially far beyond a usual 10% tithe. We spent hours and hours and hours helping, preparing, praying, serving. And many others did too.

But Innovate doesn’t exist anymore. And surprisingly, we haven’t stopped praying for our friends and hanging out with them and talking about God. We haven’t stopped giving of time and money. And God hasn’t stopped showing up in big ways. Being back at Bridgeway is an adjustment, to be totally honest. But I have no doubt that’s where God has us to be right now, among some of the most amazing Christians I’ve ever met.

Just tonight, Nate went to the driving range with an acquaintance and ended up talking to a total stranger when he over heard Nate talking about his faith. Nate left with his phone number because my husband is just blessed/weird like that. God loves the church, but the church and God are not the same thing. And neither are the church and your ministry.

Your ministry is not your position

Neither Nate nor I have ever had a title related to how we serve God. I did once jokingly nominate myself for the role of APGSD – Associate Pastor of Getting S*** Done – but my husband told me that’s actually offensive and not a real position, so I go back to never having a title.

 Real leaders don’t rely on titles to influence. I could go back to my Psych undergrad roots and talk French and Raven’s pyramid of influence, but I’ll just say this – some of the greatest ministry done is grass roots. If you see a need – MEET IT! Don’t wait until you’re a board member or a pastor or a volunteer director. If God’s called you to do it, then take action!

Your ministry, very simply, is your life.

Your everyday life is your ministry. The way you treat the cashier at Walmart. Your response when your child has drawn all over the walls. The choice you make when you have the option to write someone off or to accept their mess. The way you treat your spouse when the warm fuzzy butterflies aren’t there.

That’s your ministry. And every Christian has a ministry. It is your responsibility and your right as a follower of Christ. Now go – minister on!

Doing it with Joy

One of my biggest strengths in this life is my persistence and sense of accountability. Other than social events (which I’m working on), I am pretty rock steady to be counted on for most things. Related to that, one of my greatest weaknesses is doing things with joy. To be honest, there have been many occasions where I’ve resented being the “go-to” person and have frankly taken joy in letting others know basically how much they were asking of me and how inconvenienced I was by their requests or situations.

The same thing has happened in my faith life as I’ve frequently answered callings with, “I’ll do it, but I don’t have to like it.”

When things started to unravel with a church situation and it became clear that Nate and I would have to bear most of the burden, my prayer was not for God to fix everything or even for Him to give me strength – it was simply, “God, help me do this with joy.”

I wasn’t sure how well I was doing with the joy situation, but long story short, someone COMPLETELY misinterpreted what they thought was happening because… wait for it… we seemed so happy about what was going on. Yes, me. The person whose blood boils when Taco Bell forgets the Fire sauce. The person who huffs when someone inconveniences me.

So this is what I’m challenging myself (and you) to do…

Whatever you do, do it with joy.

Come with joy. (February 2013)

Leave with joy. (June 2014)

Nothing will be purely joy, and it’s up to you to make a conscious decision to approach everything as an honor and blessing. If you can’t give, serve, and praise with joy – you need to re-evaluate what you’re doing and how you’re doing it.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds” James 1:2

It's the end of the world as we know it...

As I checked out with my dad’s birthday gift at Bergner’s yesterday, Emmarie on my front, the diaper bag slung on my back, a middle aged woman came up and said, “Aw, how old is she?” When I responded that she’d be two weeks today, the woman chimed in, “And you’re already out of the house!”

I smiled and said, “Yes” because, “Lady, you have no idea” seemed a bit strong for the situation.

In the last month, I’ve celebrated the second Easter service of Innovate Church, worked past my due date, delivered a baby with no drugs, made life changing decisions while wearing those ridiculous giant mesh underwear that the hospital gives you when you have a baby, lost our lead pastor family, and closed a church that has been an insane chunk of our time, money, prayers, and tears over the last two years.

The world I’ve known is gone.

But I feel oddly at peace with everything.

Because along with those changes, these changes also happened –
• Nate and I are praying like never before
• Nate and I appreciate each other like never before
• Nate and I love people like never before – Ok, fine, that one is just me. Nate always loves people.
• Nate and I feel more confirmed than ever that God will call us to plant a church someday, though we’re not sure when or where
• I’ve seen Nate step up in ways that I couldn’t have imagined even a few months ago

And here’s what hasn’t changed:
• God

I asked Nate, “If you knew our church would fail, would you still be a part of it?”
He shook his head and said, “Our church didn’t fail. It closed. Innovate saw 27 people accept Jesus as their savior… 15 baptized… That’s no failure.”

There are going to be hard adjustments, but God already has the road set in front of us, even though we can’t see it.

So in the words of R.E.M., it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us, loved us, and supported us. God has truly blessed us.

Why Long-Time Christians Need to Stop Treating their Church like their Gym: A Parable

So Nate and I joined a gym. Don’t get too excited. Nate went once last week, then we all got sick and… well, maybe this week will be better. Anyway, it took a LONG TIME for us to join a gym here. It’s kind of a big commitment. There’s the money, the time you’re going to devote, wondering if you’re picking the right one… There are lots of factors.

It kind of made me think that maybe picking a gym is kind of like picking a church, in a way. But then, as I thought about it more, I realized that either a.) that’s a bad analogy or b.) that is a good analogy and it shouldn’t be. I offer up a parable:

You decide that maybe it’s time for a life change, so you start thinking about joining a gym. Maybe you visit one or a few or lots. You’re really serious about this, so you even meet the owners.

One gym clearly stands out. The owner is EXCITED about fitness and tells you that his gym exists for people that don’t even know the workouts their missing out on yet. He says he wants to do everything to help people start new health routines, even if they’ve failed before or never even gone to the gym before. You’re super excited, because THAT IS YOU! You immediately sign up.

Things are going great. There are trainers that help you, you love the equipment that is available, and you sign up for a bunch of classes that look fun. After a few months of loving your gym, making awesome gains to your personal fitness, and really feeling like it’s home, some troubling things start happening.

First, you show up one day and there is a sign that Jazzercise has been replaced with Zumba. You notice the gym owner walking by, so you innocently ask, “Why aren’t we going to have Jazzercise anymore? That’s my favorite class.”

To your annoyance, he doesn’t even hide his excitement. “Did you know that 25% more people will be willing to come improve their physical wellness if we offer Zumba!?”

That’s not the only problem though. You’ve noticed that your fellow gym goers are getting more and more… well… fat. They don’t look like gym goers, and sure, you were a little pudgy when you started, but surely these new people are not the face of what your gym wants to be. You bring this up with the gym owner, as delicately as possible.

A little wearily, the owner acknowledges your concern, and suggests maybe you could help with some new member classes that teach some nutrition facts and quick tips for starting a work out routine, now that you’re really getting in the groove of your own workouts. You decline though, of course, because you’re extremely busy, and with the new people it’s becoming harder and harder to find the trainers at the gym. You’re not sure if there are actually fewer, or if they’re just always busy with new people.

One day you walk in, and the usual radio station isn’t playing. It’s a new station. And you hate it. Fed up, you try to find the gym owner. But he’s nowhere. You even call his cell phone, but he’s not available. Unsure where he is and frustrated by your unmet needs, you cancel your membership… and leave.

Now, let’s change a few words around:

You decide that maybe it’s time for a life change, so you start thinking about joining a church. Maybe you visit one or a few or lots. You’re really serious about this, so you even meet the pastors.

One church clearly stands out. The owner is EXCITED about faith and tells you that his church exists for people that don’t even know the relationship with God their missing out on yet. He says he wants to do everything to help people start new relationships with Christ, even if they’ve failed before or never even gone to church before. You’re super excited, because THAT IS YOU! You immediately sign up.

Things are going great. There are pastors and volunteers that help you, you love the Sunday service that is available, and you sign up for a bunch of classes that look fun. After a few months of loving your church, making awesome gains to your spiritual life, and really feeling like it’s home, some troubling things start happening.

First, you show up one day and there is a sign that your life group has been replaced with a different life group topic. You notice the pastor walking by, so you innocently ask, “Why aren’t we going to have my current life group anymore? That’s my favorite class.”

To your annoyance, he doesn’t even hide his excitement. “Did you know that 25% more people will be willing to come learn about Jesus if we offer this new group!?”

That’s not the only problem though. You’ve noticed that your fellow gym goers are getting more and more… well… questionable. They don’t look like church goers, and sure, you were living a life with some sin issues when you started, but surely these new people are not the face of what your church wants to be. You bring this up with the pastor, as delicately as possible.

A little wearily, the pastor acknowledges your concern, and suggests maybe you could help with some new member classes that teach some Biblical basics and quick tips for starting a life in Christ, now that you’re really getting in the groove of your own spiritual growth. You decline though, of course, because you’re extremely busy, and with the new people it’s becoming harder and harder to find the volunteers and leaders at the church to help you. You’re not sure if there are actually fewer, or if they’re just always busy with new people.

One day you walk in, and the usual worship music isn’t playing. It’s a new band. And you hate it. Fed up, you try to find the pastor. But he’s nowhere. You even call his cell phone, but he’s not available. Unsure where he is and frustrated by your unmet needs, you cancel your membership… and leave.

So, I’m a little worried that this is a good analogy. But, there are several important reasons why it shouldn’t be… why it CAN’T be.

1.) Babies get fed, adults feed themselves.

Before you get defensive, I 100% own this as my biggest spiritual problem. And I’m improving now, but only because s*** got real for me several times (pardon my French). I mean, I’ve been ANGRY at different points over the last few years, because sometimes being involved in a church isn’t easy. I was spoiled by a loooong, slooooow journey to where I am now, with a TON of AMAZING Christians to help me, drag me, feed me, and basically do 70% of my Christian duties for me.

So then when I found myself serving more than I was being served, giving more than I was being given, praying more for others than I was being prayed for… It seemed like perhaps I was being cosmically cheated in some form. As the long-time pew-sitters like to say, “I’m not being fed.” That phrase needs to die in a deep, dark hole.

Can you imagine if Nate and I went to a restaurant with Blakely and halfway through the meal I just started sobbing and said, “I’ve spent this whole meal helping Blakely eat, and making sure she’s taken care of, but there’s no one to feed me!”

Uh, that would be pretty messed up. We are adults. We feed ourselves. And if we go hungry, we have to own that too. The bright side of feeding little ones? Or new Christians? They learn quickly. They start helping feed too.

2.) Church “membership” is a phrase we should outlaw

When you become really involved with a church, many churches have a “membership process,” that might involved a study or a written agreement or something else. But I hate the word membership. Because it brings us right back to the gym scenario.

Membership = privileges. Being deeply involved in a church or any organization that helps bring people closer to God is definitely a privilege, but not the kind where you get to pull “members only” rank.

Organizations with members typically exist to serve their members, and that should not and cannot be the purpose of any church.
3.) What about the people who need Zumba?

Referencing the gym example, what about the people who need Zumba? Why should the long-time Jazzercisers preferences trump what could result in a new fitness/faith journey for someone else?

The church exists for people who aren’t there yet. People who don’t know Jesus… need Jesus. As Barney Stinson from HIMYM would say, “New is always better.” Really though. If we put our preferences above the needs of people who don’t know Jesus, then we can’t call ourselves Christians. And that’s harsh, but it’s the fact.

So quit your gym if it’s not meeting your needs. But think twice before quitting your church for the same reasons.