Why Long-Time Christians Need to Stop Treating their Church like their Gym: A Parable

So Nate and I joined a gym. Don’t get too excited. Nate went once last week, then we all got sick and… well, maybe this week will be better. Anyway, it took a LONG TIME for us to join a gym here. It’s kind of a big commitment. There’s the money, the time you’re going to devote, wondering if you’re picking the right one… There are lots of factors.

It kind of made me think that maybe picking a gym is kind of like picking a church, in a way. But then, as I thought about it more, I realized that either a.) that’s a bad analogy or b.) that is a good analogy and it shouldn’t be. I offer up a parable:

You decide that maybe it’s time for a life change, so you start thinking about joining a gym. Maybe you visit one or a few or lots. You’re really serious about this, so you even meet the owners.

One gym clearly stands out. The owner is EXCITED about fitness and tells you that his gym exists for people that don’t even know the workouts their missing out on yet. He says he wants to do everything to help people start new health routines, even if they’ve failed before or never even gone to the gym before. You’re super excited, because THAT IS YOU! You immediately sign up.

Things are going great. There are trainers that help you, you love the equipment that is available, and you sign up for a bunch of classes that look fun. After a few months of loving your gym, making awesome gains to your personal fitness, and really feeling like it’s home, some troubling things start happening.

First, you show up one day and there is a sign that Jazzercise has been replaced with Zumba. You notice the gym owner walking by, so you innocently ask, “Why aren’t we going to have Jazzercise anymore? That’s my favorite class.”

To your annoyance, he doesn’t even hide his excitement. “Did you know that 25% more people will be willing to come improve their physical wellness if we offer Zumba!?”

That’s not the only problem though. You’ve noticed that your fellow gym goers are getting more and more… well… fat. They don’t look like gym goers, and sure, you were a little pudgy when you started, but surely these new people are not the face of what your gym wants to be. You bring this up with the gym owner, as delicately as possible.

A little wearily, the owner acknowledges your concern, and suggests maybe you could help with some new member classes that teach some nutrition facts and quick tips for starting a work out routine, now that you’re really getting in the groove of your own workouts. You decline though, of course, because you’re extremely busy, and with the new people it’s becoming harder and harder to find the trainers at the gym. You’re not sure if there are actually fewer, or if they’re just always busy with new people.

One day you walk in, and the usual radio station isn’t playing. It’s a new station. And you hate it. Fed up, you try to find the gym owner. But he’s nowhere. You even call his cell phone, but he’s not available. Unsure where he is and frustrated by your unmet needs, you cancel your membership… and leave.

Now, let’s change a few words around:

You decide that maybe it’s time for a life change, so you start thinking about joining a church. Maybe you visit one or a few or lots. You’re really serious about this, so you even meet the pastors.

One church clearly stands out. The owner is EXCITED about faith and tells you that his church exists for people that don’t even know the relationship with God their missing out on yet. He says he wants to do everything to help people start new relationships with Christ, even if they’ve failed before or never even gone to church before. You’re super excited, because THAT IS YOU! You immediately sign up.

Things are going great. There are pastors and volunteers that help you, you love the Sunday service that is available, and you sign up for a bunch of classes that look fun. After a few months of loving your church, making awesome gains to your spiritual life, and really feeling like it’s home, some troubling things start happening.

First, you show up one day and there is a sign that your life group has been replaced with a different life group topic. You notice the pastor walking by, so you innocently ask, “Why aren’t we going to have my current life group anymore? That’s my favorite class.”

To your annoyance, he doesn’t even hide his excitement. “Did you know that 25% more people will be willing to come learn about Jesus if we offer this new group!?”

That’s not the only problem though. You’ve noticed that your fellow gym goers are getting more and more… well… questionable. They don’t look like church goers, and sure, you were living a life with some sin issues when you started, but surely these new people are not the face of what your church wants to be. You bring this up with the pastor, as delicately as possible.

A little wearily, the pastor acknowledges your concern, and suggests maybe you could help with some new member classes that teach some Biblical basics and quick tips for starting a life in Christ, now that you’re really getting in the groove of your own spiritual growth. You decline though, of course, because you’re extremely busy, and with the new people it’s becoming harder and harder to find the volunteers and leaders at the church to help you. You’re not sure if there are actually fewer, or if they’re just always busy with new people.

One day you walk in, and the usual worship music isn’t playing. It’s a new band. And you hate it. Fed up, you try to find the pastor. But he’s nowhere. You even call his cell phone, but he’s not available. Unsure where he is and frustrated by your unmet needs, you cancel your membership… and leave.

So, I’m a little worried that this is a good analogy. But, there are several important reasons why it shouldn’t be… why it CAN’T be.

1.) Babies get fed, adults feed themselves.

Before you get defensive, I 100% own this as my biggest spiritual problem. And I’m improving now, but only because s*** got real for me several times (pardon my French). I mean, I’ve been ANGRY at different points over the last few years, because sometimes being involved in a church isn’t easy. I was spoiled by a loooong, slooooow journey to where I am now, with a TON of AMAZING Christians to help me, drag me, feed me, and basically do 70% of my Christian duties for me.

So then when I found myself serving more than I was being served, giving more than I was being given, praying more for others than I was being prayed for… It seemed like perhaps I was being cosmically cheated in some form. As the long-time pew-sitters like to say, “I’m not being fed.” That phrase needs to die in a deep, dark hole.

Can you imagine if Nate and I went to a restaurant with Blakely and halfway through the meal I just started sobbing and said, “I’ve spent this whole meal helping Blakely eat, and making sure she’s taken care of, but there’s no one to feed me!”

Uh, that would be pretty messed up. We are adults. We feed ourselves. And if we go hungry, we have to own that too. The bright side of feeding little ones? Or new Christians? They learn quickly. They start helping feed too.

2.) Church “membership” is a phrase we should outlaw

When you become really involved with a church, many churches have a “membership process,” that might involved a study or a written agreement or something else. But I hate the word membership. Because it brings us right back to the gym scenario.

Membership = privileges. Being deeply involved in a church or any organization that helps bring people closer to God is definitely a privilege, but not the kind where you get to pull “members only” rank.

Organizations with members typically exist to serve their members, and that should not and cannot be the purpose of any church.
3.) What about the people who need Zumba?

Referencing the gym example, what about the people who need Zumba? Why should the long-time Jazzercisers preferences trump what could result in a new fitness/faith journey for someone else?

The church exists for people who aren’t there yet. People who don’t know Jesus… need Jesus. As Barney Stinson from HIMYM would say, “New is always better.” Really though. If we put our preferences above the needs of people who don’t know Jesus, then we can’t call ourselves Christians. And that’s harsh, but it’s the fact.

So quit your gym if it’s not meeting your needs. But think twice before quitting your church for the same reasons.

You Gotta Eat - Extreme Couponing!

I'm very excited to have a guest blogger today! I won't lie - I'm not a devoted coupon-er. I've tried it a few times and ended up spending several hours in the grocery store trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. So I'm super excited to have a coupon pro (and his awesome mom) to talk about couponing tips today - my second cousin (I think... the counting and "removal" of naming cousins escapes me a bit) Elliot and his mom, Kammy! As I've read through these, there are definitely some tips that I'm putting into place for our family this week.

Kammy is a way cooler blogger than me, so if you get a chance, check out Reflections from the Red Couch for her hilarious and thought-provoking views on life, autism (two of her three children are on the spectrum), and occasionally alcohol and controlled substances. ;-)

Elliot is a man of few words (which I can appreciate), so included with his awesome tips are commentary from Kammy in italics.

FYI – Elliott is a terrific guy who has an amazing memory for numbers & directions, never forgets a birthday, runs 10K races & has autism.  While autism makes some things challenging in his life, it also has provided him with some wonderful strengths that we do our best to encourage. When he struggled with leisure skills, we found that coupon matching was something he loved, and so he started to coupon for our family.When he is able to collect items through couponing above and beyond what we need, he is able to gift them to some local shelters, and thus has learned to help our community in his own way. He’s inspired all of us – as I don’t think I had ever used a coupon in my life until Elliott shared his knowledge with me!

My name is Elliott. I am an extreme couponer and I’m thirteen 13. I will try to help you learn how to use coupons and not get ripped off at paying the regular price.

Getting Coupons: I get coupons from the newspaper inserts and I get coupons online. I get most of my coupons from inserts and online.

Our biggest sources are inserts from the Sunday newspaper and on-line coupons that we print.  We have 2 major newspapers in the Twin Cities, and have found coupons for a 1-year-subscription for $2 for one and $4 for the other.  This way we usually get 3 sets of inserts each week for minimal cost.

Storing: I store my coupons in a binder in my office. I have four tabs in my coupon binder. They are FOOD, BEVERAGES, HOUSEHOLD, AND PERSONAL CARE. I keep my inserts in neat piles by date.

We have a ridiculous purple binder that we keep our coupons in. Elliott maintains it (with help), and if it is embarrassing to take to the store, just remove the coupons you think you will use and leave the beast at home.  That said, we have no shame, and have been able to switch gears by having the binder with us when a store is out of something, etc.  We got one like this, except that ours has crazy red and yellow stripes in addition to the purple.  Our binder has 4 tabs:  Food, Beverages, Household Supplies & Personal Care.  You can have many more tabs if that’s your deal – but we aim for ease so these work for us.

Additionally, we don’t cut coupons out of the newspaper inserts (again, this is a time saving measure).  We just keep them stacked in piles by date (usually about 3 months) and only cut them out when we need them.  Elliott does cut them.

Use Websites: Websites do the coupon matching for you to save time. I use COUPONMOM.COM, AND POCKET YOUR DOLLARS. I USE THOSE THE MOST.

This is key for us – as our lifestyle does not permit a great deal of time each week for these tasks.  We use websites that do all the matching of deals for us by store.  One of the best national websites is www.couponmom.com – you can look up stores based on your geographic area, click on the store, and it lists the deals by % savings so you know the best deals each week.  Additionally, it lists links to on-line coupons you may need and/or lists which coupon insert needed in order to get the best deal.  You can just check the items you need, print a list, gather the coupons you need, and head to the store.  Likely, you will have regional/local sites that may be even better.  We have www.pocketyourdollars.com – which is fabulous, but geared towards the Midwest.

Last, this is something that may work for some people and may irritate others.  We have signed up for a number of daily emails that compile the best bargains of the day (or week).  These may be grocery related, or often list huge deals on Amazon or let you know when Target puts items on clearance, etc.  Frankly, many days, we just delete them due to lack of time, so we don’t feel overwhelmed by them.  But, if Elliott or I have time to look through them, we have been able to take advantage of some great deals.  Here are our favorites – if any interest you, just visit their website and subscribe for email reminders.  If getting emails drives you nuts, don’t do it!  Most have Facebook pages as well (Elliott does not have FB yet, but I have “liked” some of these pages).

For The Mommas: http://forthemommas.com/

Couponing for 4:  http://www.couponingfor4.net/

Couponers United:  http://www.couponersunited.com/

Couponing to Disney:  http://www.couponingtodisney.com/

Addicted to Saving:  http://www.addictedtosaving.com/

I hope that helped you learn how to coupon. If you have questions for me I can be reached at my email address ElliottTKramer@hotmail.com My goal is to save fifty percent or more on the receipt.
___________________________

Did you read that last line?! Elliot helps his family save FIFTY PERCENT... HALF... on their purchases!

Honestly, almost all of this, especially the websites that will do coupon-matching, is new to me! I will admit that I can be lazy-level frugal, but Kammy's hints and tips make me confident that most of these are things that I can put into place for our weekly grocery trips!

2014 'Do More With Less' Money Challenge #2:

Use at least two of Elliot's Extreme Coupon-er tips to save at the grocery store this week!

You Gotta Eat - Making a Meal Plan

The first 2014 'Do More With Less' Money Challenge topic is pretty dear to my heart. I LOVE food. And it's practical because, well, you'll probably never eliminate food from your budget or your life. I will be the first person to admit that food is almost always the area we go over our budget, when we do.

"Hey, do you want to go through the DQ drive-thru?" Hell to the yes I do. Always. So I've tried to learn a lot of tricks and tips to help keep the food budget under control.
Today we are going to talk about two ideas:

1. Eat at home more often. I'm not actually sure that there's much I can follow that up with. Eating out will almost always be more expensive and/or worse for you (health wise) than making something at home.

2. Make a meal plan and grocery list for every shopping trip. Don't worry, this point will be a little bit more robust than point one.

Have you ever gone grocery shopping without a list? How has that worked out for you. Because if I walk in to a grocery store without a list and plan, I usually leave with several boxes of TGI Friday's potato skins  or jalapeño poppers and some Ghiradelli chocolate. And then I have to come back the next day with a list and actually get legitimate food. Or, even if I'm in a very responsible mood and without a list, I get random meat cuts, too much bread, and random produce that spoils before I can figure out how to use it. Creating a meal plan and then a grocery list based on that plan is one of the easiest ways to avoid that, and I've found it to be more "bang for my buck" than coupon-cutting, deal-seeking, etc. (though I will talk about those too, later this month!)

Here is a real life example of my husband going to the store with a "general idea" of what we needed:

What WAS needed:                                       What was NOT needed, but still purchased:

                       

Meal planning is something that's very unique for each family, based on their preferences and dietary restrictions. I will share some tricks and tips (and an example) below, but I'd love to hear other ideas or advice from any of you reading!

I like to plan meals a week at a time. This was a process of trial and error. I've done everything from a week to a month at a time, and a week just works better for me. I have a Costco membership, but even buying a month of groceries from there didn't amount to much savings. Plus I'm trying to do more fresh produce, and by week four of a month-long grocery trip, you're basically eating cereal and boxed pasta.

Here is our usual process:
1. Start the meal plan with something with the most worthy and simple leftovers. 
For example, this past week, Nate made a beef roast, and we had potatoes, frozen green beans, and cinnamon baked apples. After we were done with our roast, Nate cut the remaining roast into thin strips. We used that for beef stir-fry and beef stroganoff later in the week. They were just how I like my leftovers - well disguised. Next week we plan to do something similar, with a turkey breast, making turkey noodle casserole and turkey club sandwiches.

2. Make sure you have one or two no-brainers on there.
Inevitably, one or two days this week you'll have a "maybe we should just order Chinese" kind of day. Like maybe your toddler dunks your make-up brush in the toilet. This is all hypothetical of course. But on those days you'll push through that if you can say "Ah. Spaghetti. I can do that." instead of looking at a meal plan that calls for you to make beef wellington.

3. Use recipes that have similar ingredients.
Don't pick recipes that all use a different kind of meat - you'll end up wasting meat, or trying to figure out how to redeem yourself next week with the freezer full of randomness you have. Also, I avoid recipes with bizarre or obscure ingredients or spices. If you're not sure if you like curry powder, don't pick one recipe that uses a teaspoon of it and then buy a giant curry powder container that will sit in your pantry forever.

4. Find a few meal plans that work well for you and rotate them.
I keep a file of meal plans and grocery lists on my computer. Once you put the work into a meal plan and grocery list once, it's there forever for you to reuse. I also print the week's meal plan and put it on the refrigerator. If you're real Pinterest-y crafty-like you could probably make some kind of neat decorative chalkboard. But again, I just print mine off on computer paper, and it works just fine.

5. Start with just dinners and see what works best for you.
We usually meal plan just dinners and maybe a few lunches. Some people prefer to plan everything, but for us, it makes more sense just to do dinners. Then we can pick breakfasts and lunches based on what's easy, what's on sale, or what coupons we have. It may be a box of cereal, carton of eggs, and a bag of apples for a week of breakfasts, or something else.

Once your meal plan is done, start your grocery list. I usually copy and paste all of the recipes I plan to use into a word document and then combine like items... so if multiple recipes call for onions, I take it down to just one onion line item. Then I have a pretty standard list of items that we either need or might need weekly from the store - milk, toilet paper, juice, etc. I go through that list and add any items that are applicable. Lastly, I keep a running list on our whiteboard in the kitchen of items to be added to the weekly grocery list, as I realize we need them - Ziploc bags, dish soap, etc.

We can throw in coupons, ad hunting, etc. later, but this is the basic premise of meal planning! I have included an example of a meal plan and grocery list below. Feel free to use it or tweak it however you want!

Meal Plan:

• Beef roast, mashed potatoes, green beans, salad
• Tomato and basil pesto pizza, salad
• Use this recipe for the crust (makes enough for both crusts - use half of all of the other ingredients purchased for the pizza). Add a layer of pesto as sauce, and thinly sliced tomatoes, drained mushrooms and slices of fresh mozzarella and garlic herb cheese. Top with shredded mozzarella as needed. Bake at 450 for about 12 minutes
• Beef stir-fry
• Use the leftover beef in this recipe! Start a pot of rice to serve with. Nate and I like our roast relatively rare-ish, so I start by cooking the leftover beef strips a little more in soy sauce, garlic salt, and a little bit of sriracha and peanut butter! I add the frozen veggie and let it all simmer together a little bit longer. So easy!
• Spaghetti, salad
• Tacos, chips and salsa
• Beef stroganoff, green beans
• Use the rest of the leftover beef in this! Heat up the beef strips, a can of cream of mushroom soup, a can of mushrooms (drained) and a package of cream cheese on the stove top. Make a package of egg noodles to serve it with.
• Tomato and basil pesto pizza

Shopping list:

• Medium beef roast (whatever cut you prefer) 
• Potatoes
• 1 bag frozen green beans 
• 1 bag salad mix
• 1 bottle salad dressing
• 1 container (4) Roma tomatoes
• 1 jar pesto: 
• 1 bag of flour
• 1 jar of yeast
• 1 bottle olive oil
• 3 cans of mushrooms
• 1 block fresh mozzarella cheese
• 1 block garlic herb goat cheese
• 1 bag shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1 bag frozen stir-fry veggies
• Rice
• Peanut butter
• Soy sauce
• Garlic salt
• Spaghetti sauce
• Noodles
• 2 lbs. ground beef
• 1 packet taco seasoning
• Salsa
• Tortillas
• Sour cream (optional)
• Cream of mushroom soup
• 1 bag of egg noodles
• 1 block of cream cheese

Nate and I used this for our meal plan, and including some extras for breakfasts and lunches, it cost us just over $100.

Do you have a go-to meal plan? Do you think going to the grocery store with a list can really make a difference?

2014 'Do More With Less' Money Challenge #1: 
Make a meal plan and grocery list before you go to the grocery store next time!

2014 "Do More With Less" Money Challenge!

As I posted on Facebook earlier today, I have been trying to think of ways to give back in 2014... One idea that I had is this - I love blogging and love being a cheapskate. I mean, never paying full price for my Comcast. I mean... frugal. Anyway. I thought in 2014, I'd pick a theme for each month (the grocery store, around the house, insurance, investing, etc.) and write a weekly or bi-weekly blog on ways to be smarter with your money, related to that topic. Things I've learned from experience, reading on the topic, etc. I'd post meal plans, budget templates, examples... anything I think is relevant and helpful. You (as my Facebook friends) can have all of it for free. Here is the catch! If my tips help you save money in 2014, I ask that you give a portion of what you are able to save to your church or a charity of your choosing.

I'll be honest, a big part of this "challenge" is an accountability factor for me. 2013 was not what I'd call a "winning with money" year for the Morrisons. We had some really good moments - reaching new levels of tithing, purchasing a new home, never carrying a balance on our credit cards month to month... but we had a lot of "gas station soda" moments too. Those moments when you pick convenience over money sense, and your spending could have been easily avoided (i.e. buying a case of soda at the gas station for twice the price of the grocery store, because you're already at the gas station). And I'm okay with that - we had a BUSY year (new town, new job, new house, toddler), and sanity is important. But 2014 will be a year to get back on track and make our money work harder for us - and I hope you will join us!

I would love suggestions and ideas for what would help you - it might help me too! I'm going to do a theme for every month, and a few posts related to that topic, each with one or two "challenges" for you to do. Do it once, or do it through 2014. Not every tip will help you or make sense for your lifestyle, but hopefully they will all at least be worth thinking through!

Here is a proposed schedule for monthly topics for the first half of the year:

January - You gotta eat
February - The "B word" (budget)
March - Bills, bills, bills,
April - Random tips and tricks
May - The "D word" (debt)
June - Around the house

I hope this can be very interactive! Do you have better tips? Other tips? Share them with everyone! Hopefully this will help you... and subsequently, whatever charity or church you give a portion of your savings too! :-)

To the parents of crappy kids

Being a parent is challenging. Sometimes your kids are crappy – probably figuratively, and depending on their age, maybe also literally. Blakely’s new favorite activity is putting our stuff in the toilet, and attempting to flush it. The toddler meltdowns are happening more and more often. But that's nothing compared to the fact that there’s a chance in the future that she might get pregnant outside a committed relationship or get arrested or steal from us. Even if we try to rock out being a parent. Even if we try to lead her in the ways of God.

But I haven’t been a parent for long enough to be any kind of authority on parenting, or the good, bad, sometimes crappy nature of kids, especially the crappiness of older kids or even grown kids. I don’t have that experience or authority. I’m writing this blog, instead, with the authority of a former crappy kid.

Yeah, you read that right. I was a pretty crappy kid. Yeah, I was a good student and involved in school… But…

• I was also suicidal at multiple points in high school, and briefly hospitalized in a mental institution. 
• I was influenced by peer pressure and did multiple things that could have gotten me arrested… like… real arrested. 
• I had a pregnancy scare in high school only months into my first serious relationship. 

Did you know that? Here’s where my message actually begins.

My guess is, you didn’t know that. But even more likely than that, my guess is, that if you DID know that, you didn’t find that out from my parents. My parents LOVED me as a crappy kid. My parents DISCIPLINED me as a crappy kid. My parents SUPPORTED me as a crappy kid. My parents PRAYED for me as a crappy kid.

My parents didn’t passively aggressively address my crappiness on Facebook. They didn’t ask for prayers for me, really just wanting an outlet to complain about how difficult it was to have me as a kid. They didn’t confuse the fact that the pain they were caused by me was absolutely secondary to my own pain.

...said no one ever.

I’m tired of seeing parents shaming their children on Facebook, either directly or indirectly. Do they deserve it? Sure, probably. They are probably being grade A crappy. Like “me” level crappy. But say it with me. I. AM. THE. PARENT. If my parents treated me the way I deserved to be treated, today I would be dead, or struggling with constant shame and insecurity, or still on the path of crappiness well into adulthood, because I would know that what my parents expected from me.

Publicly and privately supporting your kid, crappy or not, will be what helps them through and ultimately motivates change.

This has been your public service announcement from a former crappy kid, who with her parents' support and discretion, is doing quite well now.

Let It Stand

“Mine?!” Blakely points at my juice box I’m drinking.

While I don’t remember teaching her the word “mine,” it seems like something that becomes bizarrely engrained in children very early – to claim things in your name. And I’m sure you’ve noticed that as we grow into adults the obsession with my, me, and mine don’t fade.

“That’s mine… let me do it… that’s my job.”

That's MY church, MY family, MY career, MY process, MY job, MY idea. We box in all the things we feel responsibility or love for and declare “MINE.” The m-words – my, me, mine – are not always entirely bad. They empower and give accountability to the person claiming them. I’d be much more inclined to volunteer at MY church than your church, and I’d certainly want to see MY idea or MY process carried through to completion.

The problem with the my, me, mine mentality is in our refusal to build (family, jobs, churches, processes) agnostic of the ME. If an architect designed and built a building where the architect was required to stand as the center weight-bearing beam, everyone would call him an idiot. An architect should design his building, and then let it stand. Yet too often, that’s the role we want to play. We think “irreplaceable” is a compliment when it comes to our role in our family, our church, or our job, when actually it is a dangerous reality if you genuinely care about those things.

I had already started this blog when I found out that Dale Schaeffer, lead pastor of the church Nate and I first started attending, and his family had taken an opportunity at a church in Medford, Oregon. Selfishly… I’m going to say that again… SELFISHLY (because that’s what it is when we stomp our feet at what God’s call is), I’m bummed the Schaeffers are leaving. Other than my parents, Dale was the first spiritual leader of my life. He baptized, counseled, and married Nate and me and was a part of our lives since the beginning of our relationship 8 years ago. Maybe most impactful, he affirmed Nate’s calling to ministry (even when I just kind of still had my fingers crossed) and helped me reconsider my doubts that a person “like me” could ever have an impact in the church. Dale is a gifted pastor, leader, and coach. Some might throw out the word “irreplaceable,” but that would be a disservice to Dale and the work that he’s put it in the following areas, that are key to building healthy families, churches, and organizations, that are me-agnostic:

Documentation 
I know everyone hates documenting processes and procedures (okay, don’t judge me, I kind of like it…), but this is a very easy way to not end up as the architect/center-beam in my example. In all of my jobs, I’ve been a huge proponent of documenting processes and procedures. Probably once a week, I throw out the cliché “if I/you get hit by a bus…” (because apparently the only way to get across the need for clear documentation is to have everyone imagine your guts strewn across the front of CityLink transportation). But really… God might call me somewhere else – another job, another city, or He really might allow me to get hit by a bus, which would be both horribly and hilariously ironic. But the point is, documentation of how to do critical processes within your role will allow your family/church/organization to thrive, even if you can’t be there. 

This is kind of convicting me as I write this, because while I’m really good at doing this in my job, I’m TERRIBLE at doing this at home, and not great at doing this for church. I’m one of those people, like many, who throws out, “I’ll just do it” when it’s easier to do it myself than document or instruct on my processes and procedures. Note to self – document church marketing procedures and all financial passwords and information for the Morrison household.

Equipping Others
When I think about equipping others, the idea of parenting is definitely at the forefront of my mind. While I know that my parents, like many, were really sad when I moved out, they equipped me well to deal with the “real world.” I can only imagine that as sad as they were for me to “fly the coop,” they’d have been significantly more sad if I flew right back when I was faced with things like paying bills, keeping a job, and waking myself up in the morning (confession - my mom woke me up in song almost every day I lived in that house and initially I had some pretty PTSD-type crazy reactions to alarm clocks, at least those with more offensive ringer styles than my mother’s singing voice). But, other than the whole singing to wake me up thing, my parents did a fantastic job in equipping me to be an adult.

One of my personal inspirations is actually a girl I grew up next door to, who is a few years younger than me. Rachael (and her two younger sisters) tragically lost both her mom and dad within a five year span. Rachael has not crumbled, but instead, thanks to (and as a credit to) her parents, she has taken guardianship of her two younger sisters, at the age of 20. She’s had to handle estate matters that are a struggle for many adults, all in the midst of a personal tragedy. And, all in the midst of a time when her peers’ primary concerns are about going out, boyfriends, and clothes. While Rachael’s parents were irreplaceable in the love and guidance that is now missed, they’ve equipped Rachael to kick this world’s butt, even in the face of adversity.

Empowering Others 
While I think some people throw around “equipping” and “empowering” interchangeably, to me these are two distinct processes. Equipping is helping someone gain the ABILITY, and empowering is giving someone the OPPORTUNITY. I am exhilarated (and I don’t think I’m alone), when someone says “take this and run with it” or “figure it out” or “how can we do this?” I love solving problems. And I love when people empower me to solve them. I also love when I delegate something to someone else and they blow me away with what they come up with. Micromanagement is closely linked to underperformance, disengagement, and lower morale on the job. Why? Because a micromanager says, directly or indirectly, that they are capable and you are not. My goal is that I equip and empower my child, and she rocks out life at levels I’ll never achieve. If you can mentor, empower, or coach someone who either is or becomes smarter and more successful than you – WIN!

Another thing I’ve learned – on both sides of the coin – is to empower under-qualified people to take on challenges or jobs that they really want to do. Use your discernment, and not just someone’s resume, to determine their ability to be empowered and take on challenges. I outperformed PhDs on my organizational change management certification. On the other hand, Caiden Smith (a 3rd grader) dominated me at checkers the other day. Take a chance on someone. Passion and motivation can frequently outweigh education, intelligence, and training. And when you empower and believe in someone, maybe even more than they believe in themselves, they will rise to the occasion.

My dad will frequently place bets on his team’s performance at work. And while my dad is not a gambler, he does this often and with a great deal of public flare and fanfare. Because when as a leader you say “I believe in you THIS much,” you might just be more inclined to believe in your ability as well.

So in a world, where we cling to the idea of the irreplaceability of the ME… in a world where we crave to be the martyr architects, supporting the entire structure… be irreplaceable enough to be willing to be replaced. In fact, be proactive in your documentation, equipping, and empowering. Because a leader, parent, employee, or volunteer that is irreplaceable because of a failure to plan, is really the first person who should be replaced. So build your legacy. And then let it stand.

Leave that Mom Alone!

When Britney Spears was in the middle of her apocalyptic 2007 meltdown/mental collapse, she found a strange supporter in internet video blogger Chris Crocker. Chris made this bizarre, but passionate plea as a fan for everyone to “Leave Britney Alone.” It was borderline hilarious and quickly went viral and had many parodies over the next few months. Watch Chris Crocker's Britney rant... because you've missed it (contains bad language). As weird as it, I have to make this Chris Crocker-esque plea – “Leave that mom alone!”

Yes, THAT Mom. The one who is formula feeding her newborn or whose car seat strap got tangled because she’s short on sleep and now wouldn’t pass inspection, or the one whose kid’s butt is touching 4,000 carcinogens right now because she picked disposables instead of cloth diapers. The mom whose kid is melting down in the store, who is trying to decide what the best course of action is… because it feels like it might be to just leave the kid there and head to the liquor aisle. The mom who’s wearing her baby in a front-facing carrier, and it will probably be wheelchair ridden for most of its life now because she didn’t read all the articles on the dangers of crotch-dangling. Leave. Those.  Moms.  Alone.

As a culture, Mommy Guilt is a really, really real thing. The first time I experienced Mommy Guilt, I wasn’t a Mommy. I was actually the kid. The poor, abused child, being saved by someone who knew better. My mom and I were at 7th grade registration, and after begging her since I was basically born, I was allowed to wear make-up! Make-up is generous. I was allowed to wear clear mascara, lip gloss, and a little bit of eyeshadow. Seventh grade was what my mom agreed to, and I was looking good! We went into the gym to register and as we stepped up to the table, a mom with kids my age was volunteering. Before any kind of greeting, she hissed questioningly, “Are you wearing make-up?”
“I am!” I said proudly.
“Oh, gosh. Isn’t 7th grade kind of young?” She said, now addressing my mom instead of me. Before waiting for a response she continued, “I mean, it looks fine, but I just wouldn’t want my daughter wearing make-up in 7th grade.”

I don’t really remember the rest of what happened, but I do know that if you ask my saint of a mother about that woman, she still shudders a bit. Shockingly I didn’t end up a street walker after being introduced to make-up at such a young age.

I really feel like as parents, we realize that we’re pretty much all failing in some way, right? We're guilty because our kids don't eat organic, or they watch too much TV, or they spend time with a baby-sitter regularly. And that’s because we’re all imperfect people doing the best we can. But to compensate for the areas that we feel our Mommy Guilt, we all say, “At least I haven’t done THAT.” You may have one “that” or one hundred “thats” that you consider woefully poor parenting, but at the end, it’s all a game to make us feel better that our own failures “aren’t as bad” as what others are doing. And that’s sad.

It’s sad because

• We are cheating ourselves. We are essentially lowering the bar for ourselves when we fixate on what other moms are doing “wrong.”
• We are perpetuating a practice that loads on the Mommy Guilt, and tears people down, rather than building them up. No one is a better Mom because someone said, “You should be a better mom!”
• We are putting a façade of “being helpful” around something that is anything but. If you are genuinely concerned about how someone you know is parenting, privately offer them help one on one. Don’t blow up their Facebook with 400 articles citing how they’re screwing up their kid for years to come. (I've legitimately seen this)

Maybe I’m fired up about this because being a mom (other than being a Christian) is one of the first things that I constantly feel woefully inadequate at. Maybe I’m fired up about it because I’ve seen so many Moms totally torn down by what others moms have said to them. I’m pledging today to stop perpetuating Mommy Guilt – for others and for myself. Will you join me?